There Are Stupid Questions

"You see what I'm getting at?"

2008-08-26T06:17:00.000-07:00

"You see what I'm getting at?"
-Da Boss Man

Relevant context: Ranting for 45 minutes prior:

"No one in this company has any passion for their work!"
"Why is everyone against me here!"
"No one understands me!"
"Rabblerabblerablle"

(Last one might have been exaggerated)

So, to answer the question, NO! I neither see, nor care to see, what you're getting at. Our product makes pet rocks look useful. Your management makes the Dilbert Boss look intelligent. Your 'point' makes Scientology look coherent. I really couldn't care less about your poorly expressed, melodramatic corporate emo. Based on this conversation, I'm fairly certain no judge would convict me if I killed you and all your offspring. Die very slowly in a fire, and GTFO my cube, bitch.

"The sink is really full."

2008-08-20T06:45:00.000-07:00

The sink is really full.
-Roommate, who we'll call Jim.

Not really a question, but it's an implied one: "Will you do the dishes?" To which I reply with a cheery "Fuck You!" This guy has not done the dishes once in three months. Nor has he mowed the lawn, swept the floor, cleaned the kitchen, or picked up the living room.

Now, I'm ok with messy housemates, since we can all be a bit messy at times. I'm ok with neat freak housemates, since being clean is good. What I'm not ok with is messy neat freaks who can't stand the mess, but can't be bothered to do an ounce of work to improve the situation. Seriously, we have an informal game going on to see how long before he breaks down and cleans anything, anything at all. The man does less work than a fully entropic system.

What's worse than Jim's lazy OCD, though, is his passive-aggressive way of dealing with it. Rather than ask someone to do the dishes like a sane person might, this miserable excuse for mammal prefers to make endless whiny complaints, to wit:

The sink is really full, I can hardly fit any more dishes in there.
The garbage really smells.
There's no light in the bathroom - I think the bulb is burnt out.

It's to the point where I simply acknowledge his statement and ignore it:

Jim:The floor out here is really messy.
Vhim:It sure is.
Jim:It looks like it hasn't been cleaned in months.
Vhim:That is probably the case.
Jim:It really needs vacuuming.
Vhim:I couldn't agree more
Jim:...

The fact that he can't program to save his life (he's a Comp Sci major), the fact that he can't tie his shoes without parental approval (he's in his junior year in college), the fact that he regularly gets out-drunk by another housemate (Thelma, 109 lbs) - these things, while worthy of mockery, pale in comparison with how vexing his handling of uncleanliness is. If he weren't paying his rent, I have long ago shot him.

So help me, though - if he ever leaves a sticky note, I'll put the "Violent" in "Non-violent confrontation."

Epilogue
My roommate, Little Timmy, has interesting tastes in women (story for another time). He has suggested tying his current girlfriend up to Jim's bed for him to walk in on. I'm all for this plan, if only to see little chunks of Jim's whiney, whitebread head ricocheting down the hall.

"How can i attract the girls?"

2008-08-18T06:25:00.000-07:00

"How can i attract the girls?"
-Yahoo Answers

Asking the internet how to pick up women is akin to asking a monk how to pick up a prostitute (or vice-versa). You'll get answers, but they'll be pretty fucking useless. Let's go over a few:

"Be yourself. You will attract the one your meant to be with." -summertime_cutie05

No wonder I only ever get with homicidal chicks. Seriously, no. You'd be better off shooting summertime_cutie05 (whom, I assume, is hideous the other three seasons) and using her corpse to bludgeon potential dates into submission. Being yourself is the worst advice anyone will ever give you. I mean, self improvement? Who needs that - I'm actually a fat asshole at heart, so maybe I should just let that be. You know, pick up all the women who love fat assholes, right?

"dont wear clothes& stand in front of girls college" -jasmer78

At least this guy has no illusions of intelligent advice, unless he mistook the question for "How can i attract the indecent exposure prosecution?" However, as much as I'd love to belittle this guy, I'd love even more to see people following it. Makes it easier for me to 'attract the girls' when I can say, "I'm the guy not flapping his penis at you just yet."

"Usually guys should always be the one who should make the first move.
If it seems that we don't really pay attention to you, YOUR WRONG."-Beatriz J

Here we have at least a marginally more credible answer, but one that makes jasmer78 look like a Nobel laureate. It's true that men are expected to make the first move, and women are expected to play coy, and men are expected to whine on facebook that girls ignore them, and women are expected to eat ice cream and complain on their live journals that no one asks them out, and Fuck That. Men, women, boys, girls, tweens, shemales, martians, and my roommate: If you want someone, Fucking Say So. "Hello, you look cool. May I take you out?" Simple, direct.

Women, if you want a man, don't go cutting yourself in despair when you don't ask him out and he doesn't pursue. Men, the women will ignore that last sentence, so you have to do the same (Fuck Societal Norms).

"Be the kinda guy that doesn't ask stupid questions like this." -Vhim

Honestly, did your parents drop things on your head as a child (I would)? What sort of answers do you expect, not just from the internet, but from the cesspool of overweight middle age women and pimply 15 year olds that is Yahoo! Answers?! Further, did you, like most guys online, expect some silver bullet? Some magic trick that everyone else has been keeping from you? "Oh yah, if you just waggle your eyebrow like this while blinking, all women will go nuts over you." It do' work li' dat, foo.

If you want women,

Be successful
Get in shape
Be intelligent
Be a good human being.

That is, be everything your average Yahoo! Answers member is not.

"Who Are You?"

2008-08-17T19:04:00.000-07:00

"Evey Hammond: Who are you?
V: Who? Who is but the form following the function of what and what I am is a man in a mask.
Evey Hammond: Well I can see that.
V: Of course you can. I'm not questioning your powers of observation I'm merely remarking upon the paradox of asking a masked man who he is.
Evey Hammond: Oh. Right. "
-V for Vendetta

This is to be a blog - one which answers, in a manner both violent and vitriolic, the stupid questions. It seems appropriate to open with an excellent example of a man soundly demonstrating the foolishness of the question "Who Are You?" in that context.

The premise here is simple - I will answer any question in any form, if I feel it calls for answering. I will close this post with another quote:

"If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask?"
-Scott Adams